Kintsugi: a theory of addiction self-repair
Gold lacquer yourself.
“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.”
— Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Every one of us is broken. But like kintsugi, the Japanese art of restoring chipped ceramics with gold lacquer, we can transform our weak points into strong, unique focal points.
No matter who or what broke you,
“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Beautifully, powerfully imperfect. Stronger because of it.
But only when you fuse your pieces back with gold.
Kintsugi has three steps:
- see your broken place
- mix your lacquer
- fuse your pieces back together
(Note: I’m not a doctor or therapist, just a recovering patient.)
To practice kintsugi, start with seeing your broken place.
“Addictions always originate in pain, whether felt openly or hidden in the unconscious… Far more than a quest for pleasure, chronic substance use is the addict’s attempt to escape distress.”
— Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
Pain motivates, impedes, goads. And if you were whole inside, you wouldn’t have an addiction. After all, products may be designed to be addicting, but they don’t hook everyone.
This pain arrives when certain emotional needs, which I’ve discovered through over a year of research into human-centered design, go unmet. And whatever you’re addicted to, it “fills that hole”, that psychological imbalance.
So if you’re addicted, your broken place prevents you from functioning like an intact, pristine, beautiful “teacup.”
Through personal experience, the best way I’ve found to fix this is to cast Purge. (If you’ve read my free ebook, Game On, you know this to be a Debuff.) Like a spellcaster, you have the ability to throw magic at yourself. In this case, it’s Purge:
But before I get to that, you need to understand the seven emotional needs I’ve identified. These are requirements; to be whole, you need them all. And you can be deficient in more than one.
For psychological health, our brains need these:
Validation / Love
“All you need is love.”
— The Beatles
Ever heard a drug addict (especially heroin users) describe their drug as “a warm hug?”
Social media, with its likes ( hiding likes won’t help ) and recommendations, often fills this need.
Validation / love can come from posting pictures of yourself, role-playing an attractive avatar to avoid poor self-image in RL (real life), even viewing softcore porn. You can also get validation from being useful to a group… do you know anyone who’s needy like that?
This is my driver, and as much as I don’t like this truth, love is an action, not a feeling, and it comes from your thoughts, not others’.
Boredom is a form of pain; some of us would rather shock ourselves than sit in a room for fifteen minutes and do nothing. It’s also a motivator to fire up a session.
Unpredictability often drives engagement. Think refreshing your feed for new likes or content; the endless scroll; a new quest, match, level, or unlockable in a video game; autoplay; or a new page of results.
I believe excitement is anticipation, and that there’s two kinds: positive (expecting a good thing) and negative (expecting a bad thing). Both can even combine. For instance, the forbidden fruit effect involves positive (must be good if it’s forbidden) and negative (fear).
Harvard researcher Trevor Haynes, in “ Dopamine, Smartphones & You,” explains it like this.
Anticipation enhances reward, and history builds expectation. Excitement pushes us from stagnation, and I believe it can be addictive in a world of mundanity. Though I have no evidence, my theory is that the more boring or depressing your offscreen life is, the more you crave action-packed video games, porn, or controversial social posts. If you’ve accustomed yourself to that source.
The need for excitement may be the brain craving more dopamine juice after being habituated to a regular favorite snack. When it gets thirsty again, it roars and flails. Excitement may be the most dangerous need.
“The human being cannot live in a condition of emptiness for very long: if he is not growing toward something, he does not merely stagnate; the pent-up potentialities turn into morbidity and despair, and eventually into destructive activities.”
— Rollo May, Man’s Search for Himself
Pursuit, I believe, is about overcoming the short-term pain of stillness or its long-term consequences. To that end,
want implies lack.
Lacking is a form of pain, if sometimes self-created. Thus, we pursue goals to relieve the pain of not having something we want. For example,
- working out to look / feel better and secure Love
- playing Candy Crush at home to Calm down after work-based trauma
- posting a lengthy theory to Medium because it’s my Identity to be bold
Boredom is pain, and we can’t stay there long.
“I think, therefore I am.”
— René Descartes
“To thine own self be true.”
— Polonius, from Hamlet by Shakespeare
If you were a tree, your identity would be your roots. Without strong roots, your trunk will bend and distort in strong winds.
To that effect, we define ourselves as what positive group we belong to. Profession, hobby, race, gender, media we consume. Positive, shared identity fulfills our Community need.
And if my hero Batman does not eat nachos, darn it, neither will I!
It hurts to not have an identity, to have no roots, to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself after a binge. Titles (positive labels) lift our self-esteem, which encourages us to stick to those, since cognitive dissonance — living a lie — hurts more.
Bottom line: being an amorphous blob hurts, so we create ourselves.
Calm / Autonomy
Do you use video games / porn / social media / Twitch streams to relax?
Mindless actions that don’t require a lot of brain power, like tapping, scrolling, and clicking anecdotally relieve stress. But problem gamblers also like playing in the “machine zone.”
It’s even possible to suggest scrolling, surfing, and new videos capture us in a “ludic loop” of novelty and pleasure until we realize we were vamping (staying up all night) again.
Natasha Dow Schüll, an expert in the parallels between Vegas-style gambling, video games, and modern user experience design, describes this as the numbness of escape.
Plus, anecdotal evidence suggests people with very stressful or client-facing jobs can be overwhelmed by what sociologist Arlie Hochschild calls “emotional labor.” (Also known as smile-mask syndrome or compassion fatigue). Schüll singles out waitresses, nurses, retail workers, insurance agents, and salespeople. Compared to more task-oriented roles, these people often have troubles gambling (or insert tech addiction here) to relieve the numbness of emotional fatigue.
Sound familiar? Who doesn’t go to something mindless after a long, stressful day?
Beauty / Awe
“I consider reality to be the thing one need concern oneself about least of all, for it is, tediously enough, always at hand while more beautiful and necessary things demand our attention and care.”
— Hermann Hesse, My Life: A Conjectural Biography
Nature, art, good literature, music, God.
Versus → Consume a new product to fill the void inside
Higher reality; the good, the true, and the beautiful
Versus → Tedious, drab, everyday mundanity
Timeless beauty, gratitude, love, light
Versus → Ugliness, how your life sucks, hate, darkness
Philosophers call it acedia, listlessness brought on by spending most or all of our time on capitalistic pursuits. Ennui? Apathy? In any case, a shallower, lower realm of thought, and a widespread cause of depression, though hard to diagnose.
Work → TV →Work → TV → Work → Hollowness
Dr. Steven Bartlett, in his groundbreaking book Normality Does Not Equal Mental Health, calls an inability to experience higher values and virtues a “disability of values.” He doesn’t blame hedonism (relentless pursuit and pedestalizing of sensuous pleasure), but I believe it’s a factor. And it leads to painful, empty mediocrity. (Oof.)
Instead of possessing, in his words, “traits [that] are blinders, constraints, and shackles that straightjacket and confine the individuals who possess them to a partial, impoverished experience of reality,” I advise meeting this need of beauty / awe.
And staying away from shallow news, vulgar forums, or piglike porn. Ugliness and mundanity injects an aching need for beauty.
In the case of community, it may come down to a neurochemical need for oxytocin, the human bonding chemical. This, along with serotonin and dopamine, form the “happy hormones.”
But while there’s overlap when it comes to love, oxytocin also gets boosted by prosocial activities like conversation, contribution, giving, and empathy. Physical touch, too, but that doesn’t matter much if your community is virtual — the others compensate.
Morphine consumption was high among rats deprived of social interaction, isolated in dark, cramped, individual cages. But among the rats living in a “Rat Park” paradise with overflowing food, friends, fun, and mates, consumption was almost none.
(You need to read about that experiment.)
We all want to belong, hence why exile was an ancient form of torture. Isolation drives us mad. The drug only becomes irresistible when the opportunity for normal social existence is destroyed.
(Note 1: similar needs exist, such as safety, which I lump into Calm / Autonomy. Catharsis may be another, as well as intellectual stimulation, which I’d list under Beauty / Awe.)
(Note 2: Each person has different levels they need to meet. For example, introverts need less Community, people with stressful jobs need more Calm / Autonomy, and insecure people need more Validation / Love.)
Kintsugi and the ego
Note that all of these needs flatter the ego; they aren’t just states of mind.
So, in which need does your broken place reside?
Once you’ve got it, to practice kintsugi and fuse your pieces together, you need to mix your lacquer. That is to say, you counteract each hole in your needs with its opposite, a counteragent.
These are ways we like to feel, ways to flatter the ego and detoxify while strengthening. While they don’t all correlate with a need — indeed, they aren’t needs — they form the lacquer used to glue your pieces together. So make your own mix with these (and read until the end for the fusing technique):
Kintsugi lacquer (healing states)
Getting frustrated by a problem or puzzle hits your ego. If repeated over years, through negative self-talk or taking failures too hard, this leads to a hole in Validation / Love. And by the way, we’re all smart in some areas and dumb in others.
Every game (your life included) has Levels and Quests! Achievements, unlocks! Because without them, you’d be lost, confused, and you’d quit.
This one hits me, so here’s my experience: not engaging in society’s expected experiences, not living up to standards, hurts. A lack of accomplishment creates the most multi-pronged void of all: Validation / Love (negative self-talk, inferiority complex), Pursuit (if we believe we’re irredeemable), Identity (lacking a proper, expected base), and Community (if we withdraw).
But this old Instagram post helps me.
- In Control
Perhaps the obvious one. When we feel out of control by what life throws at us and we act out, this is a void in Calm / Autonomy. In reality, we have more power than we think. (Albert Bandura’s theory of self-efficacy)
- Attractive / lovable
No one wants to feel undesirable. Unfortunately, if Validation / Love or Community is the thing we crave and some vice (porn especially) gives us that feeling, it can lead to addiction whenever life crushes our self-esteem. That harem will always be there for us…
Power feels great! Weakness stings. Not feeling powerful may lead to a need for Excitement through action-packed video games, just to gloat over n00bs. Or it can manifest in taking on a guild leader role, moderating a forum, taking charge at work, etc. In fact, feeling weak stings so much it necessitates shifting to a more powerful Identity in a different Community. Some synonyms include capable and competent.
We all want something to brag about to prove we’re not nothings or failures. And sometimes we buy things to prove that. Feeling unenviable can lead to a void in Validation / Love (this might be the most common void) and Identity.
We’re all unique… just like everyone else. An excessive desire for this may come from a void in Identity (roots) or Beauty / Awe (transcending our surroundings feels good), though it’s not bad on its own. Actually, its often used by people who play online video games, to become a second, better self. So only when it’s addicting is it bad.
And again, these are all wounds to the ego.
So, how do you cast Purge? How do you fuse your broken pieces together?
With your kintsugi lacquer ready, begin brushing.
Here, “brushing” means patient practice of applying the counteragent to your wound, over and over again, however long it takes. It’s a practice, an action. Besides, the above nouns list and adjectives list don’t correlate exactly — since this is an imperfect theory — but here are some example lacquers.
And remember, don’t just detoxify; like a pendulum, swing back in the other direction of your wound. (This is the “golden highlight” part.) Only you have the opportunity to turn your broken place into your strongest, most unique asset.
Kintsugi example one: love
Wound: Validation / Love, Identity
This is me. Since I’m not “good enough” by conventional standards due to being hindered by lack of experiences and qualifications, I have low self-worth in some areas. This led to softcore porn addiction where the actresses made me feel romantically attractive, and it devoured years of my life. But by entrepreneuring with this blog and all the work it entails, I feel like I contribute and help people. And as I’ve discovered, giving love feels about the same as receiving praise. Thus, my weapons are metta meditation, the breath exercises in my free ebook Breathe to Break Tech Cravings, and pursuing something I care about: this blog.
Golden highlight: Love
Removing porn infused me with intense desire to be loving, compassionate, loyal, attentive, and the best future husband and father I can be. I now know by experience that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and so I hold myself to more realistic standards. Besides, love glosses over and sometimes finds cute imperfections.
Kintsugi example two: gamer
Wound: Calm / Autonomy
Lacquer: In Control
This person is a college student who moved away and is living on his own for the first time. Prior to college, his parents structured his life rigidly so he’d get into a good school and get a good job. He, however, doesn’t want to study what they want him to study. In his first year, he spends hours each day on an MMORPG as a way to feel in control of his life, something he’s never had. But his grades slip and his health deteriorates. His parents and roommate worry about him. However, after reading my free ebook Game On, he uncovers his Why and uses the techniques therein to structure his life with the right amount of autonomy: not too loose, but not suffocating. His favorite is the Magnetic Cap, through which he gains the time to now study art! Whoo!
Golden highlight: Unwavering
Being able to structure your life with Magnetic Caps, XP, etc. and not giving in to distractions makes you a powerhouse in whatever field you choose, since talent = practice. Discipline, persistence, and focus also put you ahead of the competition, who only have greater knowledge of… memes.
Kintsugi example three: higher plane
Wound: Beauty / Awe
Lacquer: Smart, Unique
In contrast, this person has a tedious job with not much future. It’s dirty, smelly, and ugly, and her coworkers voice endless complaints. Not that she can blame them, but she has to stay for the money. So instead of going crazy as every minute drags on, she joins a book club and reads on her downtime. Later, she looks up references the authors made to art and history and other books. Maybe she finds positive role models (Identity) or untapped strength. And thus she escapes her dingy, vacuous job feeling rejuvenated, no longer turning to binge-watching mindless YouTube nonsense on her downtime instead.
Golden highlight: Virtue
Practicing virtue combats acedia (the empty consumerism I mentioned above). Some philosophers say it’s the only thing that matters. Patience, empathy, or just puzzling over what is truth, entering a higher plane of thought distracts and intrigues. And intentionally living by a code forms a smart, unique Identity which imparts meaning to suffering, thereby reducing it.
Cast Purge: detoxify your wound with its opposite
I know you’re broken. And I know you can change. If your addiction is caused by one of these needs, glue your broken pieces back together with golden lacquer created from its opposite.
Lacking Love? Learn to love. Validation? Internal.
Lacking Excitement? Before you start, set a timer.
Lacking Pursuit? One tiny step at a time.
Lacking Identity? Remake yourself.
Lacking Calm? Breathe. Lacking Autonomy? Build your own hierarchy.
Lacking Beauty? Consume or make art. Lacking Awe? Scan nature.
Lacking Community? Participate elsewhere.
Then you’ll have a beautiful, whole teacup with a golden lining. A stronger place because of the broken time. And no space for addiction.
Oh, I know it’s hard. The hardest thing. I don’t think I can ever learn self-compassion. But my instant repulsion means I’m touching a sensitive nerve, and I’m on to something.
All things considered, though, this kintsugi theory is just a theory. It’s up to you whether you inject the counteragent.
Because at the end of the day…
Kintsugi, by the way, is a great Why. Once you understand yourself, you can learn to care for yourself. But I know products are designed to be addicting, and it’s tough to pull away. So I suggest applying XP, Swallow the Frog, and an uplifting Avatar to start. These are recovery techniques in my free ebook Game On: 60+ Cheat Codes to Kick Video Game Addiction and Make Life an MMORPG. (And they apply even to other techno-addictions, as I mentioned above. Try it out!)
Lastly, take this poster I made for you! And stick it somewhere you’ll see often on your journey. (Your desktop is fine.)
It’s not perfect… just like kintsugi. : )
Originally published at https://tamingyourtech.com on February 4, 2022.